


Confusion

by shinelikethestars



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-13
Updated: 2013-04-08
Packaged: 2017-12-05 05:40:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/719496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinelikethestars/pseuds/shinelikethestars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry Styles had always felt confused about who he was. He could never quite settle on being straight due to the constant, lingering thoughts about being attracted to boys. His life had always been anything but normal. Through the many hardships he experienced throughout his life. Harry learns who he truly is and gains a special relationship along the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 “I’m done with this Anne! I’m done with you. I’m done with this family!” Harry flinched at his dad’s words. He said things like this before, but it never hurt him as much as it did now. Whenever he’d say things like this, his dad would always come back. Although, by the tone of his voice, Harry had a strong feeling that this was really it.   
  
His dad never lived with them for too long. Harry was used to that. He knew his dad’s ways. He’d always have another woman on the side, and he’d end up staying with her. However, once she found out about his risky ways. She would make him leave, and then his dad would be on his front doorstep the very next day. Anne didn’t want to keep letting him back in, but she wanted Harry to have a father figure.  
  
“Please, we can work this out right? I can’t do this alone and you know that!” she shouted at him. Each word getting louder as she spoke. She didn’t want her life to be this way. She felt terrible that her kids had to live this way. Having their parents always fight and there being seemingly no end to it all. The screams, the shouts, the hitting. No kid should have to see that and she knew this, but with her only job of being a house cleaner. There’s no way her salary would let her have it any other way. “If not for me, then at least for the kids?” she sounded so defeated at this point.  
  
Ignoring all of her protests, he grabbed his only bag, and stepped outside the front door. Before he left for the very last time. Harry’s dad looked back at Anne, then to Gemma, and finally to himself. Harry was starting to shake, worrying over what his dad was going to say to him. This big fight wouldn’t have happened if he just would’ve not asked his dad for money. He knew that money was tight, but he thought that asking for a few dollars wouldn’t hurt. He was completely wrong. His dad blew up on him. He looked up at his dad, with a fear in his eye.“Kid, don’t ever expect me to give you money, understand? I want nothing to do with you.” He watched his dad’s mouth move and barely registered what it all meant. Without even a final goodbye, he left his family behind for good. Leaving Harry with his harsh words to loom in his mind.   
  
Tears started to trickle down his eleven year old face. His mother seen this and pulled him into the tightest hug. Harry tried to break free. He struggled in her hold; he kicked, screamed punched and cried. Anne’s motherly touch burned him to the core. He just didn’t want to live with the pain that he was feeling inside him any longer. This went on for almost an hour and eventually, she felt him go slack in her arms. She ran a hand through his curls while whispering, “I’m so sorry baby.” over and over again. She began to rock her sleeping son back and forth. As she did this, she turned to Gemma to see how she was. She wasn’t doing any better than the rest of them. “Come here sweetheart.” Anne soothed. Gemma made her way over, nearly tripping over her own feet because of how upset she was. She eventually made it to her mother’s side. She sat down and stared blankly at the wall. Trying to look strong for her mother’s sake.   
  
Anne took her free hand and pulled her daughter closer. “We’re going to get through this, I promise.” 

 _Two years later…_  
  
“It’s your last day of summer squirt. What are you going to do with it?” Harry and Gemma were sitting at the table. He wasn’t very hungry due to the built of nerves of another year of hell at school. Pushing at his eggs with his fork, he made a long sigh. “I don’t know. Sleep I guess?” His sister gave him one of her signature looks. Knowing exactly what it meant. She was up to no good. Harry gulped, eyes going wide. Knowing he couldn’t get out of the situation, he swallowed the last of his milk and mumbled, “What do you have in mind?” She laughed and patted his cheek. “Only everything!” she shouted. “Oh no.” Harry whispered.   
  
xxxxxxxxx  
  
“Can I open them yet?” Harry whined. Gemma shook her head, as she was leading the way. “Nope, not till we get there.” Harry was truly worried. “Where is there?” She didn’t respond to him. He took that as his cue to shut up and enjoy life for the ride, but only this once. Breathing in the salty air and listening to the seagulls talking to one another. Harry assumed they were heading straight for the beach, but he could only imagine. “Alright Harry, we’re here. Open!” He opened his eyes to the most beautiful sight. “The ocean!” he yelled. “Thank you Gemma!” he yelled once again. A small smile began to creep across her face. She was about to hug him, but remembered that he didn’t like to be touched that much. “Well, what are you waiting for? Go play squirt.” Harry looked back at her one last time for reassurance and off he went. Tearing off his clothes besides his boxers, he made his way for the water. Stopping right at the tide, he stuck his foot in, and shivers ran up him. Taking a breath, he ran in further and went underneath. He adjusted to the cold rather quickly and opened his eyes to see the fish that swam below him. It was beautiful in his mind. As he began to run out of air, Harry popped back up and took in a big gulp of air and went back underneath. He continued to do this the majority of the day until the sun looked as though it was to set at any moment. He made his way to the edge of water and carefully sat down. The cool rush of water lazily hit his skin as he sat and stared at the sunset. Harry was always seen as this weird kid with odd sayings and odd interests. One being, why things are, the way they are. Today’s thing was the sunset. The colors fascinated him to know end. He wondered how they got to be that way and why they had to fade from view so soon. Harry also liked to think of life and where his would be and what he’d do. If he’d even get to experience those things. As he sat there staring at the fading colors he wondered if he’d have the chance to one day share a sunset with a special someone. He doubted it, but a boy could dream.   
  
The sun didn’t take very long to escape Harry’s view. Once it was barely peeking over the horizon, he felt that it was time for him to go home for the day. Putting his hands on the ground, he pushed himself up and made his way back to Gemma.  
  
He was only two feet away from her when someone caught his attention. This someone being a boy. He was older, but not by much. He had brown wispy hair from what Harry could tell, a cute tummy, and a bum that couldn’t be missed. Harry stared at the older boy in awe and wondered how anyone could look that perfect. As he stood there, his own tummy began to flutter. Not thinking anything of it besides hunger. Harry hurried over to Gemma and asked if they could leave. She picked up the towel that she’d been laying on all day, folded it neat, and lead Harry home. Today was a good day, he hadn’t had one in such a long time. Little did Harry know, that the personal hell between his mind and heart would start tomorrow. His eighth year at school and on was going to be a treat.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be a small time jump, but nothing major. I was originally going to post chapter 2 only, but I felt that the story would tie together better if I added in chapter 3 as well. Please do enjoy and let me know what you think if you'd like.
> 
> Happy reading! :)

His room was pitch dark and dead silent. He slept peacefully, all of his worries were gone. Soft snores softly bounced off the walls. If everything could’ve stayed as serene as it was. Harry would have no problem with that. However, all good things must come to an end.   
  
Normally when Harry slept, he didn’t dream. Today was different. In his dream he was singing on stage to millions of screaming girls. Sweat beaded down his face as he bounced around stage. He sang with so much passion it didn’t even feel real to him.   
  
He was reaching the final line. The best part of the whole song in his mind. He lifted the mic to his face, closed his eyes, and began to open his mouth to sing. When he tried, nothing came out. Not a sound. Harry started to panic. Not knowing what else to do; he tried again and there was still no sound that could escape his lips. He tossed his mic to the ground frustrated with everything. Almost forgetting that he had many girls staring up at him. He looked back and gave his ‘I’m sorry please don’t hate me’ smile. There was no reaction from the crowd. He had no idea why. He then began to hear a faint beeping noise; the sound increased by the second. He looked down and found where the noise was coming from. His mic was flashing red and blue. He quickly turned on his heel and started to run. He ran and ran until everything went blank. He opened his eyes and he was greeted by pitch darkness and an annoying alarm clock. He rubbed his eyes and groaned as he slapped the snooze button. Harry slowly willed himself to get up. He threw off his blankets and lazily made it to his light switch. He flicked on his light and cringed at the harsh brightness. “Happy first day of school.” he mumbled. Grabbing his things, he began to get ready for another soon-to-be crap year at school.  
  
xxxxxx  
  
Shaking out the last drops of water from his hair. Harry made his way down the stairs and into the comfort of the kitchen. He stood there for a moment and took in all the smells. Eggs, toast, and his mom’s sweet perfume. “Hi, sweetie, breakfast is almost ready. Grab a seat.” He sleepily nodded to her and walked over to the table. He sat down and noticed that there was already a plate neatly set for him. He looked to see where his sister was going to sit, but remembered that since she was in high school, she preferred not to stick around with the family when she didn’t have to. This made Harry sad inside because it reminded him of how his dad drifted away. Harry didn’t know if he could deal with another heartache.  
  
Feeling thirsty he reached for the glass of milk that his mother had poured for him. He smacked his lips as the cool, creamy goodness slipped down his throat. He set the glass back down on the table and looked over to his mom. “Hey mom, is it alright if I never go to school?” He was dead serious too, but of course his mom was oblivious to it. “No sweety, it most certainly is not alright.” she chuckled as she turned off the stove. She then scooped enough eggs onto her son’s plate and even snuck on a slice of toast. Taking care not to drop the plate, she walked carefully to her son with it. “Eat up darling, you’re going to be late for the bus.” Harry did as he was told He quickly ate his food and took one last sip of his milk. He set everything into the sink and gave his mother a quick kiss goodbye. Of course he didn’t get off that easily. He was never allowed to leave the house without one of her so-called good luck hugs. He didn’t like hugs, he didn’t like to be touched. He told her this, but she always did it either way. He never told her that her ‘good luck hugs’ didn’t work because he just didn’t have the heart to do so.   
  
Finally breaking free from her grasp; Harry grabbed his school bag and walked quickly towards the bus that was waiting at the end of his block. Once he reached its doors, they opened and he stepped inside. The bus began to move once he was on. He stared out at that the group of kids. Slowly walking down the aisle, he thought about where he could sit. Luckily, there was one seat open for him. As soon as was in his seat, he opened his bag to make sure he had everything. His pencils, notebooks, and folders were in order. Now all he need was the dreaded school schedule. Taking a gulp, he leaned back into the seat. Wishing that the day would be over already.  
  
xxxxxx  
  
Harry made it to school within ten minutes. He picked up his bag and held it close to him as he walked off the bus. He looked at the big school and made his way to the door. He stood in front of the big metal doors, he stared at them, knowing that they would keep him from the freedom and peace of the outside world. Harry pushed the doors open and crept through the halls. He ignored all the people that were rushing past him, and ignored all the chatter that made him nervous. He needed to go to the cafeteria to pick up his schedule.   
  
He eventually made it to the table full of schedules. He looked at the lady and awkwardly requested his schedule. The woman in charge took forever to find his sheet. His anxieties were building up the longer he stood. There was a line forming behind him and he could feel those familiar glares once again. She flipped through each sheet until she found his name. “Here you go Mr. Styles. Have a good first day back.” She had one of the fakest smiles that he had ever seen. He hated fake people more than anything else.   
  
Schedule in hand, Harry walked to a nearby bench and nervously read his schedule.   
  
 _Period 1-English *329_  
 _Period 2-Science *216_  
 _Period 3-World History *219_  
 _Period 4-French *318_  
 _Period 5-Algebra *217_  
 _Period 6-Music *320_  
 _Period 7-Home ec. *315_  
  
Harry sighed while running a hand through his curls. He grabbed his bag and took slow steps towards the stairs. He reached out to grab the railing and walked up the steep steps. Looking back down at his schedule, he noticed that his first class was on the third floor. He’d barely been up there and he never went to the open house that was held two days ago. In his mind, he was screwed. He got to the final step and continued on down the hallway. Harry kept his head hung low. Occasionally he’d look up at the room numbers to see if he was close, but of course he had only walked in a complete circle. There were too many sets of stairs in his mind. Where was Zayn when he needed him?   
  
Zayn was Harry’s only true friend. He always went to Zayn when he had flashbacks of his past. Though, most of the time they would just sit in the library during lunch and talk about anything that came to their minds.   
  
He met Zayn on his first day of sixth grade. In the beginning, Harry wondered why Zayn even talked to him. He was popular while Harry was not. Harry just took it as some sick joke among the popular kids, but after a few months of them getting to know each other. Harry opened up a bit more and things changed for the better. Harry hoped that he would see Zayn soon. He couldn’t bare the thought of enduring the whole day by himself.   
  
Glancing past the curls over his eyes, Harry peered at another set of room numbers. “327, 328, 329. I finally made it.” he whispered. Harry walked into the room and scanned it for an open desk in the back. “Move it kid.” Harry had been used to these words. All he could possibly do was mumble a sorry and hope that the much bigger boy wouldn’t beat him up. The boy puffed up his chest, and without another word, he stalked off towards a group of girls.   
  
Breathing a sigh of relief, he dragged his feet across the floor towards the open desk in the back that he’d seen just a moment ago. The closer he got, the more stares he received. He heard whispering and even caught a few people pointing. One even had the nerve to throw a paper ball at him.   
  
Harry didn’t know what he had done. Hever spoke to anyone besides Zayn, his mom, and sister. So, why? Why did they treat him this way? He looked like any other kid. Glasses, curls, green eyes. He showered everyday and wore decent clothes. They weren’t designer by any means, they were just, decent.   
  
What was it then? Did Zayn say anything about him? Did he tell everyone about his dark past? The secrets that he tried so hard to lock away? Harry hurried to his new seat and sat down. He dropped his bag next to him, placed his elbows on his desk, and not even a minute later. He dropped his head into his hands.   
  
He wanted to cry because he trusted Zayn and yet, that boy went off and told everyone, but what if Zayn didn’t do what he suspected? Maybe he was just overreacting. Harry had this terrible habit of jumping to conclusions.   
  
The room got louder and louder as more kids walked in. Harry kept his head in his hands so he could try and block them out. His plan only lasted for a few moments longer. The teacher had walked in as the bell rang. He set his suitcase on his desk and picked up a marker. He wrote his name on the whiteboard and began to introduce himself. To Harry, that was his cue to lift his head up and pay attention.  
  
xxxxxxx  
  
The final bell rang and Harry was free for the day. He quickly put his supplies in his bag and ran down the many halls. He reached the door that would release him from this awful place he had to call school. He pushed the door open and was met by a bright blue sky and puffy white clouds. He lifted his head up high and smiled. He took in the crisp outside air. “Harry!” someone called out. He immediately changed his demeanor and looked for the person that was calling him. He squinted his eyes as he looked off into the distance. His eyes lit up, “Gemma!” he shouted, not caring at this point what anyone thought. As long as his sister was there, he felt safe.   
  
He ran to Gemma’s little blue neon named Sally. Harry liked this car so much that he thought it should have a name. Which ended up being, Sally. “Hey bud, how was your first day back?” Harry looked down at his shoes, “It was okay.” Gemma could see the sadness in his eyes. She didn’t like to see him like that. “Hop in squirt. We’re going for ice-cream.” Harry only nodded. He opened the car door, set his bag on the floor, and sat down. He then shut the door and buckled himself in. Gemma started her car, set her foot on the gas pedal, and off they went down the street.   
  
The longer they sat in silence, the more curious she became. “Do you want to talk about it?” her voice had a lot of concern in it. Harry shook his head and looked out the window at nothing in particular.   
  
He had a decent day. Majority of it was filled with class rules and those dumb “getting to know you” activities. The highlight of his day was when he finally found Zayn. He had found him in the only of the only classes that they had together, which was music. He also had maybe made a new friend. Zayn introduced them to each other at the beginning of the class. Harry felt that since he was standoffish and quiet. It might take awhile for the status of friend to be true. The boy he met was named Niall. He was blonde with ocean blue eyes and had an accent that Harry adored. He was originally from Ireland, but due to his own family problems. He ended up moving to England.   
  
Thinking about the day’s events made Harry sleepy.  _I’ll just shut my eyes for a minute._ He leaned his head against the door and drifted off into a dark nothingness.   
  
  
The next time Harry awoke, he was in his own bed. “No ice-cream then.” he said under his breath. He turned over on his side and fell asleep for the second time that day. 

XXXXXXXX

 

The past three months have been better than Harry could’ve ever expected. He and Niall had even become good friends. To Harry, it seemed that the ‘good luck hugs’ his mom gave him finally began to work for him. Harry didn’t want to admit it, but he was actually liking school now. The evil kids left him alone, he wasn’t as nervous, and he had the two greatest friends that anyone could ever ask for.   
  
  
“Hey Harry what are we going to make tomorrow?” Niall and Zayn asked in unison. Harry smiled as always when they did something like that. They were sitting at their table in home ec trying to decide on the dish that they’d be making for tomorrow’s class. Harry lifted his head up, eyes stared directly at the ceiling. He tapped his pen and hummed to himself. He didn’t know what to make, but he knew the boys were waiting for a reply so he tried to quickly think of something. He dropped his head back down to their eye level “How about spaghetti?” Zayn shook his head at the idea and even pulled a grossed out face.   
  
“What about a stir fry?” Zayn thought that it sounded better than spaghetti. Niall didn’t care either way as long as he got something out of it.   
  
“Can we make something with a bit of spice though?” Harry hated stir fry. He adjusted his curls and looked for Zayn’s approval. Zayn just gave him the ‘I don’t care anymore face’ and turned to Niall. “Niall, you’re the decider. What’ll it be?” Niall stared back at both of them. Emerald and chestnut colored eyes looked right back at his own saphire blue. Not knowing which to decide. He tapped his finger against the desk, and thought which would be the best.   
  
As he glanced at the clock an idea popped in his mind. “Hey guys come closer.” He requested, and even motioned them with his hands. They were as close as they could be. Niall listened to make sure everyone else in the class wasn’t paying attention to them. “How about Harry makes the meal. While Zayn and I fuck each other senseless?” Niall whispered. Harry choked on his own spit. A smile spread across his and Zayn’s face. They both began to laugh at once.   
  
Zayn wiped an imaginary tear from his cheek, “I’d like that. It’s decided, Harry you’re cooking. Niall, you and me, we’re going to have fun.” he winked. Niall blushed at him. “Maybe we could take turns too? You can go first if you want.” Zayn stuck his tongue out at the blonde boy, and gave an even dirtier response. They both went back and forth across the table about what they were going to do to each other while Harry sat and listened. As it got more graphic, most of the color drained from Harry’s face.   
  
He felt weird in his stomach. From his stomach, it moved farther down and before he realized it, he was beginning to feel stiff. Harry planted his feet to the ground and put his hands on the edge of the table. He abruptly pushed himself back, stood up, and ran out of the room without even asking permission to do so. Niall and Zayn had no idea what came over him so they just shook their heads, dropped the subject of sex, and decided on cookies and milk.   
  
Harry shut the classroom door behind him. He was breathing heavily, chest quickly rising up and down. He sprinted down the hallway and to the nearest bathroom. Once he was inside, he went into the nearest stall and shut the door behind him. He slid the lock across so no one could get to him. He leaned his back against the wall and slid his body down to the floor. He rushed a hand through his hair, eyes darting back and forth at everything in the tiny stall. The stiffness was slowly going away, but Harry didn’t know why it had happened in the first place. “What is wrong with me?” he mumbled to himself. He put his head against the wall, shut his eyes, and dozed off for a few minutes.  
  
His eyes opened when he heard the sound of a bell. How long had he been asleep? He figured it was the last bell because he could hear students out in the hallway getting their things from their lockers. Harry placed his hands on the floor while bending his knees upward and pushed himself back into a standing position. He adjusted his hair for the final time and unlocked the stall door. He crept out of the bathroom and started to make his way to his locker down on the second floor.  
  
He pushed through the hoards of kids and walked down a flight of stairs. He pushed through another group of kids until he finally reached his locker. He was shocked to see Niall and Zayn stood in front of it.   
  
“What the hell happened back there?” Zayn almost shouted. “I don’t know, I just don’t know.” Harry replied. He clenched his hands tight. His knuckles beginning to turn white. He didn’t want to be reminded of what happened. “Do you want to talk about it Harry?” Niall asked. He put his hand on Harry’s slightly trembling shoulder. He could see that the curly haired boy was hung up over something. Harry didn’t respond. He just stared at Niall hoping that he would understand that yes he wanted to talk about it, but he just couldn’t find the words. “Hey Zayn, I’ll catch you later alright?” Zayn looked to Niall, knowing exactly what he was on about. “Alright, I’ll see you both later then.” He patted Harry on the back as he walked towards the main entrance.  
  
Niall’s eyes followed Zayn’s figure until he was sure he was gone. “Harry, let’s you and me go grab a shake so we can talk about things, okay?” Harry nodded and took Niall’s offering hand. Harry didn’t even care about his school stuff at this point and followed Niall’s pull until they too, left school. The ice cream shop they were going to was only five minutes away from their school and Niall decided to refrain from questions until after they were set up with their drinks.  
  
Cars rushed past them, horns blared, and fellow students ran past them while they walked. Harry was careful not to step on any cracks. That day’s quirk for him was the phrase ‘don’t step on the cracks, it’ll break your mother’s back.’ Harry didn’t know where it came from or why he listened to the voice, but he was just told in the back of his mind to listen. He focused himself on skipping each crack. Even the tiny holes in the sidewalk.  
  
He was in his own little world at that point. He ignored everything around him. Nothing could shatter him now. “Harry, we’re here.” A voice pestered. He ignored it and still focused on the crack that was in his view. He didn’t know why he wasn’t moving anymore. He wanted so desperately to step over it. “Harry snap out of it!” Niall shouted. Harry jumped and came back to his senses. He apologized and moved his eyes from his friend to the ice cream shop doors. They were here and he knew that by the end of the time. He had to spill everything.   
  
“I think this looks good. Chocolate chip espresso. I’m getting this one. What about you Harry?” Harry looked up from his menu. “Strawberry dream delight sounds delicious.” Niall laughed to himself. “You’ve always been one for strawberries. Next time I’m making you have something chocolate.” Harry stuck his tongue out at Niall. “In your dreams Horan.” Niall moved his finger at the younger boy. “Hey now, watch it Styles.” They both laughed until the waitress came by and took their orders.   
  
They slurped loudly on their drinks until their drinks were half way gone. “So Harry, do you want to talk about it now?” Niall tried not to press, but he really wanted to see what was going on the guy’s mind. Harry fiddled with the straw in his glass. Staring intently at the shake that was moving right along with the straw. He looked up to Niall, his green eyes full of worry, “I think I might be gay.” He whispered as his eyes started to water, seeming to be ashamed about what had just come out his mouth. He took his hands and rubbed his eyes. “I feel like I might be because when you and Zayn were talking about what you guys would do to each other. I got, um, stiff down there.” He blushed like crazy. “Were there any other times Harry?” Niall was interested. He wanted to see if Harry truly was or if it was all just coincidence. His friend played with his fingers and looked around the shop. He went on about how he was at a beach two years ago and he had a weird feeling when he had seen an older boy there. He had tried to play it off as hunger, but after today he thought that maybe it was something more. Niall pressed a finger to his chin. He thought about the situations Harry told him. He knew that Harry hadn’t ever had a girlfriend and never expressed a liking for girls. Maybe it was just a phase? He didn’t know. He had an inkling that Harry was gay, but had to hide it away due to his mother’s religious background. That’s it, that had to be it, Harry must’ve just supressed those feelings without even realizing it and when they finally began to show. He just seen it as this awful thing. Niall didn’t have to ponder any longer. He knew exactly what was happening because he too had gone through the same thing.   
  
“Harry, it’s okay, it really is. Do you want to know a secret?” Harry barely nodded his head at the irish boy. “I’m gay, and I don’t see a problem with it.” Harry’s eyes went wide, he had no idea. He looked at Niall and a small smile began to pull at his face. Full on dimples showing too. “There’s nothing wrong with it?” Niall laughed at Harry’s question. He waved his hand mid way into the air and explained that there wasn’t anything wrong with not liking girls.  
  
Harry finished the last bit of his shake and got up from his seat. He walked towards Niall, and hugged him from behind. “Thank you.” He whispered into his friend’s ear. Niall pulled at Harry’s hands so he could get up too. He pushed his chair in and forgetting about his drink, he hugged his younger friend back. Both of their eyes stayed shut as they stood in the tiny corner of the ice cream shop. Luckily no one was around or they would’ve have received stares from not only the owners, but from customers as well.   
  
Paying their dues at the counter, both boys pushed the door open and were greeted with the bitter winter air. They gave each other another hug before they went their separate ways. Harry moved his feet down the sidewalk and again took care to not step on the cracks. As he walked further along, he felt that he should say thanks to Niall before he was too long gone. Harry did a one-eighty, “Bye Niall! Thank you for everything today!” He yelled. He stood there waiting for a response and of course his eyes lit up when Niall had said no problem and that he’d see him tomorrow.   
  
Later that night when he got home he was all smiles. His mother and sister were both wondering what the occasion was. At dinner Harry swung his feet underneath the table and hummed to himself. He was so overjoyed by the acceptance of his friend. “Hey squirt, what’s got you in such a great mood?” Gemma asked with her very own smile. Harry knew better than to say anything so he said nothing and left it at that.   
  
He finished the last bit of his broccoli eager to leave the table. He wanted to text Niall more about what they talked about earlier. “Mom, can I be excused now.” She nodded her head as she finished her food. He got up and rinsed his dishes; neatly putting them away in the sink. He padded across the kitchen floor and up to his room. Once he was in front of the door, he turned the knob, walked inside, and shut it behind him. He tore off his shirt and shorts and was left in nothing but his boxers and socks. He threw his clothes in the hamper and jumped onto his bed. He pulled the covers up around him and layed his head on the warm fluffy pillows. He wanted to accept its invitation for him to sleep, but he wanted to talk to Niall first.   
  
Harry: Hey Niall?  
  
Niall: Yea, what’s up?  
  
Harry: Can I ask you something?  
  
Niall: Sure  
  
Harry: What if no guy wants me? What if I’m forever alone?  
  
Niall took awhile to respond. He stared at the screen and ran a hand through his hair. He sighed, feeling sad for the kid. He was so confused and lost about everything it seemed, but he was sure that Harry would find someone one day. He didn’t know when, but he knew for sure that he would. He tapped his fingers across his touch screen. Once they stopped moving a mile a minute, he inspected what he wrote. Making sure everything looked right and didn’t come off as rude in any way possible. He sit send and turned on his side, slowly succumbing to sleep.   
  
Harry waited and waited. He was getting nervous. What if Niall didn’t think so and he was just being nice by not responding? He was about to send another message, but right as he was going to. He seen his screen light up. He typed in the passcode and stared at the screen.   
  
Niall: Nah, man. You’ll find someone someday I’m sure. If it’s not today, it’ll be tomorrow. If it’s not then, it’ll happen someday I promise you. Night mate .xx  
  
He smiled at the irish boy’s words. He locked his phone and set it beside him. He turned so he was laying on his back. He stared up at the dark ceiling thinking about what a day it had been. He then shut his eyes and dozed off. Not realizing what was to come the very next morning.   
  
xxxxxx  
  
His mother was humming to herself as she carried the last pile of laundry to the washer. She dropped everything inside and put detergent in. She smothered the clothes in it to ensure that the nice smell would stick. She pressed the ‘wash’ button and made her way to her only son’s room. “Harry…” She whispered. She poked at the tip of his nose and chuckled to herself as his face scrunched up. That reminded her so much of when he was a baby. She wondered where the time had gone. She moved her eyes over to see her son’s hand gripped tightly on his phone. She gently pulled it out of his hand and stared at it. She never knew him to ever use it, so why now? She hated to invade his privacy. She really did, but she was curious and didn’t want to pass up the opportuninty.  _Maybe he’s talking to a cute girl?_  She thought to herself. She pressed down on the lock button and seen the passcode login screen pop up. She took a guess and punched in his birthday. It worked and she got all giddy because she got it on the first shot. She then clicked the ‘messages’ icon and pressed on the conversation at the very top. Niall. She moved her finger down the screen as she read the messages. They were cute and happy. Which she preferred to see. She had a very big smile on her face, but as she kept scrolling, it dropped.   
  
Holding the phone tightly in her hand she shook Harry awake. She wasn’t even gentle anymore. “Harry wake up! What is this?” Harry looked up at her all sleepy-eyed and confused. He had no idea what she was talking about. “What if no guy wants me? What if I’m forever alone?” She repeated back to him. Harry’s face flushed red, he even had the look of shame spread across his face. “Explain Harry, now.” He couldn’t, he just couldn’t. The only thing that he did was just look directly at her with sad eyes. She stood up from the bed and looked down at him. A finger dangerously close to his face, “I didn’t raise you to be this way Harry! Did I not take you to church enough? You can’t like boys..you just can’t Harry.” Anne pulled her hand back and sighed.  She gave him one last look of disgust and walked out of the room with Harry’s phone in her hand. She stared down at the text message repeatedly. “What did I do wrong?” she asked, letting the tears flow down her face.


	3. chapter 3

After his mom angrily slammed his bedroom door shut, Harry curled in on himself. He let the tears fall, but didn’t make a sound. He knew he couldn’t face his mom anymore. She probably seen him as a sick freak. He thought about running away, but he knew that he’d never get away with it. He knew he had to face her eventually, but for right now he was going to avoid her at all costs.  
  
His heavy tears began to subside and now the only thing that came out of him were soft hiccups. His face was still flushed and tear stricken but he would be okay. Harry was still curled in a tight ball while staring at the wall in the darkness. He looked at his alarm clock and it was just a little past six. He sighed and closed his eyes, not wanting to go downstairs and face his family. Harry knew he had to at some point so with his eyes still closed he started to sit up. His back was now against the pillows and he gradually gained more composure. Once he began to feel a little better, Harry opened his eyes and threw his warm sheets off of him. He slid his way to the edge of the bed, feet now dangling above the floor.   
  
He looked at the clock and seen that he was wasting too much time. He gently placed his feet on the ground and tip-toed across his room towards his uniform and towel. He grabbed them with one hand and looked down at it. He scrunched it hard in his hand and pulled it close to his chest. He began sniffling and let a lone tear trickle down his cheek, “ Damnit, damnit. This can’t be happening.”   
  
He wondered why he always had to have the bad luck. His dad didn’t want him and now his own mother most likely thought of him as an abomination that didn’t go to church enough. He wiped the tear off his face with his other hand. Not wanting to have the presence of anymore tears.  
  
He released his tight grip on his uniform and dropped his hands to his sides. He walked into the bathroom and prepared for what would be greeting him at the bottom of the stairs. He then set his clothes on top of the counter and tore off his clothes one by one. Starting from his socks to his shirt and then his boxers. Before he went to start the water, he stared at his naked form in the mirror. “This is me. I don’t want to be, but maybe I do? Why can’t I be normal?” he mumbled out.  
  
Tired of seeing himself look that way. Harry took a few steps to the shower and turned on the water. He waited a few moments for it to heat up. Once it was nice and hot he stepped inside and let the warmth take him. The warm drops hit his back and it felt so nice. All of the pressures from the incident with his mom was released in an instant. He closed his eyes and let the moment of peace envelop him.   
  
He didn’t know how long he was in there for, but Harry knew that he had to get out soon. His mom always did hate it when he and Gemma ran the water for too long and he didn’t want her to have another reason why she was mad at him.   
  
He put his head under the water one last time before he turned the nozzle back on its side and all that was left was a few drops from the shower head.   
  
Harry grabbed his towel and dried himself off before he stepped out of the shower and threw on his clothes. He looked into the mirror to make sure everything looked okay. He was satisfied after another ten minutes of fixing his tie just right.   
  
He took one last look and headed out the bathroom but made sure to turn out the light on his way out. He walked back to his room and cursed himself for leaving his stuff at school the night before.   
  
Harry dragged his feet along his carpeted floor as he left his room. He was now out of excuses to avoid his family downstairs.   
  
He stared at the stairs. Not wanting to move forward, he gulped and took his first step. It didn’t feel as bad after the second and he eventually was at the bottom. Harry looked into the kitchen to see if his mom was still home, but she was nowhere to be found. Not even Gemma decided to stay home for him.  
  
“They must be really pissed at me.” he sighed as he grabbed his house keys. Harry locked up the house and walked down to the bus stop and waited for it to take him to his somewhat new happiness.  
  
The bumpy bus ride gave him the chance to fade away from his own thoughts. He liked it that way, but once he reached school he had to come back to reality. He stepped off the bus and walked straight to his locker. He took the set of stairs that hardly anyone used. Harry didn’t want to be seen unless needed. He reached the top and walked in the direction of where his locker stood. He found his number and turned the lock until it opened for him. He grabbed the things that he’d need for the day and slammed the door shut. He only needed to hold things in until lunch. By then he’d be able to tell the boys about that morning’s events.   
  
All of his classes went okay. The teachers didn’t ask him to answer any questions and no one talked to him due to his mood. Harry preferred it to be that way at that point. He was sat in his desk staring at the clock and when the bell for lunch finally rang, he was up and out of his seat before the other students could even make an attempt. He scurried down the halls and into the lunchroom just making it to the front of the line. He grabbed the barely edible looking food and waited in line to pay for it. He tapped his finger along the tray as he waited for the girl in front of him to punch her lunch number.   
  
When she finally moved on, Harry payed for his meal and walked off towards his table. He set his tray down on the rectangular table and sat on the bench-like set. He looked around the room and found Zayn and Niall headed his way.  
  
“She did what?” Niall had shouted with loads of concern in his voice. He was fuming. He couldn’t believe that Anne, the sweetest mother he knew, could be that way to his best friend. Harry nodded and poked his food with a fork. “She wasn’t even home when I was finished getting ready. She must hate me.. right?”   
  
Zayn and Niall looked to each other. Zayn popped up before Niall even had the chance to speak. “It must be tough and very surprising news for her. It has to be hard for her to try and wrap her head around. You have to remember, she found out everything through text and she's very religious. Your predispostion, it goes against everything your mom believes in. So, of course she’s going to be upset, but that doesn’t give her the right to be that way to you.” Harry pulled a small smile to Zayn’s words.   
  
“Thank you both for helping me feel better about all of this, you’re both truly the best.” His friends’ eyes lit up at Harry’s sweet words. “No problem, anytime you need to talk to us about anything. Come to us okay?” Harry nodded as the lunch bell rang. It was time for them to go back to class. “So soon?” Harry asked, not wanting to leave just yet. Both boys stood up and patted Harry on the back, “Afraid so, but let us know how things go with your mom tonight. Good luck.” Harry stood up as well and told them that he would be sure to tell them everything. They threw their lunch away together and walked back up to their classrooms.  
  
The end of the day finally neared and before Harry knew it, he was out the door and on the bus back home. His heart was starting to pick up a bit. He was scared to hear what his mom had to say. He stared out the window at the boring scenery that rushed passed his face. He continued to stare out, not blinking or moving at all until the world around him began to slow. He knew he was home because of the familiarity of the neighborhood. Once the bus came to a full stop, Harry walked off the bus and made his way towards his home.   
  
He walked slowly along, trying to drag out the time. He only managed to hold off for a minute or two before he was stood right in front of his door. He took a long deep sigh and turned the knob. He stepped inside and the house had an eery feel to it. His sister was nowhere to be seen or heard, but he could hear his mom in the kitchen. “Now or never Styles.” He whispered to himself.  
  
He set his bag to the floor and took off his shoes in the process. He then mustered up all the courage he had inside him and walked inside the kitchen. He found his mom standing near the stove preparing for that night’s meal. She was humming to herself as she stirred in spices and shredded lettuce. “Hey mom…” Harry said.  
  
When she heard his voice, she stopped everything that she was doing and stared at him. It wasn’t her gentle motherly stare. No, this was her ‘don’t look at me’ stare. Harry wanted to just turn around and run to his room, but that wouldn’t solve everything. He sucked it up and stepped closer to her. She took a step back, “Get away from me Harry, now.” Hearing her say that hurt so much. He didn’t understand why she had to treat him that way. “..but mom, I’m sorry. Please forgive me, give me love. Please, just don’t hate me anymore.”  
  
She looked at her son, all the anger beginning to leave her face. She only took one stop forward, but Harry knew he was making progress. “Fine, I won’t hate you, but no more of that nonsense that I seen this morning. There’s a bible Harry, read it sometime.” Harry nodded at her, “I will mom, I will. Do you love me now?”  
  
She didn’t hesitate to run up to him . She pulled him into a hug and ran a hand through his brown curls. “Of course I love you sweety, but I just can’t have you liking boys. Will you listen to mommy and tell me you will no longer have anything to do with them in that way?”  
  
Harry nodded at her again, he hated the thought of hiding away who he really was, who he kind of maybe wanted to be, but if doing that was the only way for his mom not to hate him. Then he’d do it for her.   
  
There were no tears, yells, or cries this time around. It was just anger, sadness, and the feeling of guilt. The situation Harry just pulled himself out of could’ve been a lot worse, but to him, ending it in hugs was the happy ending that he yearned for. The only thing he was worried about was the next few years to come.   
  
He was going to be in a stalemate between his mind and heart. Wanting one thing while having another instead. Harry knew it was going to be tough, but he was going to get through it. He promised himself and he was planning on keeping that promise too.


	4. chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not my best work, I'm sorry for that, but I'll post chapter 5 up in a minute to make up for it. Happy reading :)

“So, how did your mom treat you yesterday?” Zayn asked. Both he and Niall were concerned about how his mom would treat him. Harry held a somber look for a moment, but it eventually turned into a small smile. “My mom says she won’t be mad at me anymore if I just stop liking boys.” he replied with a tinge of sadness in his voice. His friends both quickly caught on to the falter in his speech. “Is that really what you want though? You’re just going to give up without even giving the lifestyle a chance?” Harry listened to Zayn’s words, but all he could do was stare at the floor with his fists clenched tight. He wanted so desperately to be accepted by his mother for who he was, but it just didn’t seem plausible.   
  
“You think this is what I truly want for myself? To lock away who I am? Who I could be? Who I don’t want to be, but do?” his voice began to raise with each syllable. “You honestly think this is what I want? Come on, out with it! Damnit..I’m just so confused and scared. I don’t know what the hell to do.” Harry dropped his head hands. The sniffles were beginning to show. His friends didn’t say anything. They knew what he felt, but couldn’t find the right answer that he was seeking. This was his battle and no one else’s.   
  
They got up from their seats at the cafeteria table and wrapped their arms tightly around Harry. They stood like that until the bell rang, signalling them that they had to return to class. They walked their separate ways towards their designated halls. Not even five feet away from each other they shout in unison, “Ice-cream shop after school!” and off they went to endure another three hours of perpetual boredom.  
  
They were sat at the ice-cream shop deciding once again on what to get. Niall chose strawberry and Zayn stuck with a simple vanilla. As they waited for the waitress, Niall stared directly at Harry, wondering if he was going to try the chocolate shake. He would occasionally drop hints saying how delicious it was and how much he would adore Harry if he tried it. Harry of course stuck his tongue out and kept his eyes directly at the menu. He knew he had to try the chocolate one. Zayn and Niall had been such a great support system for him and he felt that he owed them both greatly. He figured that it couldn’t hurt to start out small by just drinking a little chocolate shake. Harry heard the waitress coming their way so he stuck his nose away from the menu and watched her make small steps towards their table. “Hi boys, what can I get for you?” She looked to be about their age if not a bit older. Usually kids weren’t allowed to work until the age of sixteen, but they figured the girl must’ve been a daughter or a niece working for the family without pay. Harry had seen her wink at him, without a doubt she did. However, he wasn’t interested in the slightest. Yeah, she was hot, but she just wasn’t who he wanted. Niall and Zayn had ordered their shakes as Harry looked off into space. They tapped his shoulder asking him for the fifth time, they told him, what kind of shake he wanted. He looked at the brunette haired girl and asked for the best chocolate shake they had. Niall’s eyes lit up at Harry’s words. “You’re seriously going to get it?” Niall was excited to see Harry try it. Harry wasn’t, but he knew he had to do it. “For Niall.” He told himself.   
  
The waitress wrote down their orders on her notepad and walked off to start on their drinks. The boys all talked about nonsense. From the sketchy english teacher to the math test that should’ve never been created. They were laughing over every word that floated through the air. Harry wiped a tear that had escaped and made its way down his cheek. He opened his eyes that had shut from all the laughing. All of the crinkles had ceased to show as he began to regain his composure. He was about to mention something about that Liam kid that tried to prove the teacher wrong in biology class until someone had caught his eye. He looked familiar, too familiar. Where had he seen him? The boy had this tummy that was to die for. His fringe was adorable and his bum. His bum, there was just something about it that Harry liked. He looked to be at least two years older than him. The longer he stared at the mystery guy, the more he drooled from the perfection. “Harry..Earth to Harry..” Zayn said in a drawn out voice. “Harry!” He snapped out of it and almost jumped out of his seat. “Wha?..” He was so mesmerized by the boy that he didn’t know what was going on around him. “Hey bud, you got a little something on your chin.” Harry lifted his hand up to his chin and felt a wetness. He blushed, embarrassed by drooling in front of his friends.   
  
“Who were you looking at?” Niall  asked with a smirk. “I’ve never seen you that far gone over someone.” Harry looked to see if the boy with the perfect bum was still around, but it looked like he left while his friends were getting his attention. “Oh, uh, no one.” Zayn and Niall both looked to each other and smiled. They knew that Harry definitely seen someone that he had his eye on. Zayn was planning on pestering Harry for more answers, but as he was about to their shakes were ready and delivered to their table. They each reached out and grabbed their cups. Niall first to sip, Zayn second, and little Harry being hesitant and stubborn as hell in trying to drink the shake. Niall and Zayn softly chanted “Harry, Harry” until he said, “Aww fuck it.” and took three long sips. He breathed out in satisfaction. The cool chocolate that hit his tongue and smoothed down his throat enlighted him. He felt light and happy inside. This was not near as bad since when he had it last, being seven years old at the time. He thanked the boys for convincing him to try it and began chattering away about nothing in particular. 

The boys had a wonderful time at the shop, but all good things had to come to an end. They threw their cups away and headed for the door. They all gave each other a group hug and walked out into the chilly winter air. Harry turned left and his friends turned to the right, all of them beginning their treck for home. As Harry walked, he thought about the day’s events. Earlier it wasn’t great, but he ended it on a good note. He didn’t even have his daily quirk pop into his head. The voice decided to be nice to him today.   
  
He walked many twists and turns until he reached his home. He hopped up the steps and opened his door, locking the door behind him. He shouted a quick hi to his mom and ran up to his room. He turned the knob and opened the door. He was greeted by the familiar happiness that enveloped his room. He threw his school bag onto the ground and stripped into nothing besides a shirt and his boxers. He shut off his light and plopped straight into bed. He didn’t have any homework that day because he finished it all in class. Which left him with the chance to get a proper night’s sleep. Although, he couldn’t really sleep because he had that mystery boy running through his mind. He stared at the ceiling and thought about each and every last feature on that precious boy. He finally let his eyes close and he was so close to sleeping when it finally had dawned on him. He quickly sat up in his bed, “He’s the boy from the beach!”


	5. chapter 5

Mid-January, the school year was only a few months from being over. Harry loved the idea of getting the much needed break that he deserved. He could almost taste the snow cones and feel the warmth of the sun that he’d be soaking in at the beach. As much as he couldn’t wait, he still needed to pass the eighth grade.   
  
Harry was passing the majority of his classes, but the one that he was having the most trouble with was algebra. It was difficult with the numbers and letters. Harry had this thing where everything had to be even. From the even amount of sips from the water fountain to the even amount of cookies on a plate. He had to make sure it went his way and algebra just wasn’t helping. Each time he’d sit in class trying to complete the assignment, he’d get frustrated and tug at his curls. There were too many odd numbers and odd amounts of letters that Harry could take.   
  
His mother had seen the drop of his grade in algebra and thought it was best to get him a tutor. That’s how he ended up sitting in the school’s library, sat in a comfy seat, waiting for his new tutor. The tutor hadn’t arrived yet and that gave him time to think about anything. He thought about what he’d do with Zayn and Niall later on and what his mom was planning for dinner that night. Those were only quick thoughts though.   
  
The one thought that had been racking at Harry’s mind for the past few months was that boy. Ever since Harry realized that the boy he seen in the ice-cream shop was the same from the beach he’d gone to two years ago, he just couldn’t keep him off his mind. He wanted to know his name. He wanted to know how old he was and his favorite hobbies. He craved to know every last detail. No one else knew about Harry’s mini obsession. He kept it locked away in his mind. Safe from the judgement of his mother. Who still hadn’t left him alone about his sexuality.   
  
Yes, he did say that he’d stop liking them, but that didn’t stop her from being awful to him when she felt like it. Each and every time a guy would come on the tv, his mom would change the channel because she didn’t want him to be drawn to anything sinful. It hurt, but there was nothing he could truly do about it. If hiding his sexuality to keep his mother happy is what he had to do, then that’s what had to be done.   
  
Harry pushed past those thoughts that raced throughout his mind and focused on swinging his feet underneath the table as he watched for his tutor to walk through the door. He wondered what they’d look like. Whether they were a he or a she. If they were mean or nice. He didn’t know and he was kind of scared to find out, but he knew that nothing bad would happen. Well, he hoped at least.   
  
Harry quietly organized his stack of math assignments and even looked at the clock to see the time. It read half past three. His tutor was late by fifteen minutes. Maybe he just didn’t want to show up? Harry continued to stare at the clock for a few moments longer and slowly turned his head away from it. His green eyes peered down directly at the table and they gradually made their way upwards. His eyes went wide when he finally took notice to a boy’s face leaning right in front of his own. Wispy hair, cute tummy that couldn’t be missed. Harry even snuck a look at his bum. This boy had the perfect bum and his eyes were a beautiful ocean blue. He even looked to be older. Harry added up the features, and his eyes went wide as he realized that the mystery boy from the beach was his tutor.   
  
Harry began to tense up and became incredibly nervous. The boy pulled out a seat next to Harry and set his bag neatly next to the wooden table leg. “Do you mind if I sit right here? Sorry, I didn’t even catch your name. What’s your name? I’m Louis. Oh jeez, sorry, I’m complete shit at introductions.” He mumbled as he ran his hand through his hair that layed underneath the gray beanie that he wore.   
  
Harry had a mesmerized look on his face as he nodded at Louis, letting him know that it was okay for him to sit. Harry opened his mouth to at least say his name, but nothing came out. The boy sat in the chair and examined Harry’s face. “Come on now, can’t you please say your name? I’d love to hear it.” Louis asked in a calm, inviting voice. His voice was so sweet and angelic. Harry liked the pulling effect it had on him.   
  
He took a deep breath in and then out. He relaxed himself before even making another attempt to speak. “I’m, uh, I’m Harry.” He whispered, his voice mixed with shakiness and apprehension. Harry peered at Louis’ face to see if he was weirded out by his nervousness, but to his surprise, it was the exact opposite. Louis had a smile on his face. “There we go, that’s a start. Now how would you like me to help you with your algebra Harry?” Harry’s dimples began to slowly make an appearance. Harry, adored the way Louis said his name, it made him feel fuzzy inside.   
  
They were only on problem number three when Harry lost interest and focused only on Louis’ smooth, pink lips. They looked so kissable and Harry wanted to know how they felt against his own. Each time he inched closer to Louis. He would get scared and scoot away from him. Louis thought nothing of it, he was actually completely oblivious to it all, and solely focused on explaining why problem seven equaled three.   
  
They had reached problem thirteen when Harry couldn’t take it any longer. He mustered up all the courage he had inside of him and tried to get Louis’ attention. He tapped on his shoulder and hoped that  it would work. “Hey Louis?” The boy turned in Harry’s direction, completely unaware as to what would happen next. Harry looked at Louis’ waiting eyes and moved his eyes down to Louis’ lips. He reached a hand up to Louis’ cheek, pulling his hand back when he’d gotten close to the flushed skin. He couldn’t hold back any longer. Harry got up from his seat and bent down to Louis’ level and placed the lightest kiss to the older boy’s lips. He only held the position for a few moments until he had noticed what he’d done. The boy quickly pulled back and held the look of fear and embarrasment. Harry gathered his homework and picked up his bag. He placed everything inside and hurriedly placed it onto his back. He let a high-pitched ‘sorry’ and ran out the library doors and into the hallway. He then ran through the hallways and made it out the school’s doors and into the cold, London afternoon.   
  
Once he was outside he ran behind a section of the school that he knew no one would ever think of going to. He threw his backpack to the ground and leaned his back against the red brick wall, slowly sliding down the rough textured building. He put his head in his hands and whispered over and over again. “What have I done?”


	6. chapter six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel bad for not updating this one as soon so I'll go ahead and post two chapters instead of one for today. Enjoy :)

“Mom, I don’t want a tutor anymore. I promise I’ll learn better without one.” Harry and Anne were sat at the table during dinner the night after Harry had spontaniously kissed Louis. He felt so embarrased and couldn’t bare the idea of facing Louis again. He had been trying to convince his mom to not making him see the tutor anymore, but she wouldn’t budge. “Absolutely not, sweetheart you’re struggling in math, and I can’t help you with it besides providing you with a tutor.” Harry pushed his peas with his fork as she went on and on about the importance of good grades and getting a proper education. His face began to scrunch in, he was tired of her not listening to him.   
  
She seen how distressed her son was about the whole thing so she did what she what a mother could do. She got up from her chair and walked around the square wooden table to where her son was sitting. She ruffled his curls and knelt down to his level. “Harry, sweety. Look at me. Come on, look at me please.” With his still scrunched face, he looked at her caring face. “Pumpkin, if you really don’t want a tutor. At least go one last time. See if it helps alright? I only payed for two sessions just to see how things worked out. Things clearly didn’t, but I’d at least like to get my money’s worth out of it. Is that okay?”   
  
Harry dropped his sour-looking face and put on a stronger onee for his mother. He knew she was trying to make ammends for all the awful things she’s done in the past. He knew that she was trying so hard and if this was one of her first steps to making things right with him. Then he’d suck it up and go see Louis one last time.   
  
He nodded to her with a small smile. She smiled back at him and patted his head before she got up and went back to her chair. They both finished their food in silence and once Harry had cleaned off his plate he was out of the kitchen and up to his room contemplating on how things would go with Louis that very next week.  
  
******  
  
Harry fiddled with his fingers as he sat in the comfy library chair. Once again, Louis was fifteen minutes late. Harry was worried that Louis wouldn’t even bother to show up. He figured that he wouldn’t because of his careless action. He blushed a little as he thought back to the kiss. Louis’ lips were so soft and inviting. The way the perfectly fit into his own. It made him feel all bubbly and warm inside. Everything felt so right about that kiss. He knew that he’d never get the chance to match his lips with Louis’ again, but he longed for it. He wished for it. He dreamed of it. He wanted an everlasting relationship with the older boy. He wanted to go to the movies, and the park; where they would take turns pushing each other on the swings, they’d go to an amusement park and ride the ferris wheel along with the sunset and kiss right as the sun fell and the moon showed itself. He craved for these things, but he knew they’d never be. It hurt inside to think that way. It really truly did. He felt the tears coming on, but he internally pushed them back when he seen the wispy haired boy walk through the door. He followed Louis’ every movement with his eyes. The way his bum bounced along, how his tummy held shape as he walked, his glasses(that looked so cute on him) stayed perfectly on his face, and how his lips were barely parted while he blew out sweet breaths. Harry hoped that he wasn’t drooling. He reached up to his face and felt relief when he didn’t feel any wetness. He did feel a little stiff in his pants, but he pushed past the feeling and focused solely on Louis as he sat down across from him.   
  
Harry looked across the table and directly at Louis, noticing that his ocean blue eyes were looking to the ground. He knew that he had fucked up big time. He could feel the tension and awkwardness seeping from both of their bodies. Louis was the first to speak, “Uh, Harry..About yesterday..” Harry raised his hand and cut him off. “No, there’s nothing to say about it. I fucked up, I’m sorry I did it. I really don’t know what came over me. I’m so sorry, if you don’t want to talk to me anymore I understand. I do..” The last words he spoke hung in the air. Louis stared at him. He looked at Harry’s lips. His missing dimples that should’ve been on his face. His sad green eyes that were filled with hurt and disappointment. He knew what he was about to say wasn’t professional in the slightest, but he went on a whim and went for it. “Harry, don’t you dare be sorry. Please don’t because..because I kind of liked it. No, not kind of, I really did like it. Everything about that kiss was perfect, and I was hurting so much after you ran out like that. I still miss the feel of your lips on mine. I know that it may have seemed as though I didn’t want it, but I did..I do want it. I know that this is the last session that you probably want to do with me, but do you think that maybe, just maybe we could hang out during the summer? Here’s my number, text me if you want, okay? If you do, we can meet up and see where things go. I hope you do.”   
  
Harry sat there dumbfounded. He was not expecting that at all. He was overflowing with joy, but held back all emotion because he didn’t want to ruin the moment. He watched as Louis pulled out a scrap piece of paper and messily wrote out his number. His deep dimples began to show as Louis handed him the paper. He looked down and took in the messy scrawl. He loved the way it looked. Harry raised his eyes back up to Louis’. He silently nodded at him, indirectly telling him that he would take him up on his offer. Harry planned on texting him the day after school let out. He was so excited for it. He picked up his work, knowing there was no way that they were going to complete anything after their deep conversation. Louis put away his things away as well and stood up from his chair. He walked over to Harry while he pushed his fringe out of his eyes, “Well, I hope I get the pleasure to see you again Harry.”   
  
He nodded to Louis, his heart fluttering a mile a minute. Louis turned his back to the curly haired boy and walked out the door. He was hoping and wishing that the boy with the cute face and curly hair would text him back and Harry stayed in the same spot for the next thirty minutes with the cutest grin on his face.


	7. chapter seven

The remainder of the school year went without major problems. There was one time, aroundApril when he had stepped on this awful kid’s glasses by accident. He almost got beat up, but Zayn and Niall stood up for him and the mean kid left him alone after that. It was finally the last day of school for Harry. He, Zayn, and Niall were sat in the non-air conditioned assembly hall watching some sorry excuse for a magician perform. Harry would constantly check the clock. Once the hour hand reached three he was free. Free from everything. He liked the idea of not being scared while walking down the halls anymore. He also remembered what Louis had told him a few months prior. They were going to hang out, get to know each other better.   
  
He was truly excited for it. Although, he was worried about how his body and mind would react to it all. He was still confused about who he was. When his mom wasn’t around, he watched commercials that had guys in them, just as an experiment. He did it to see if he still ‘liked’ boys.   
  
The hair, eyes, body, just the overall look of boys attracted him. His mom’s face popped in his mind each time he tried the experiment. It pained him dearly, to like something that his mom didn’t approve. He still liked girls, but it just wasn’t the same.   
  
Time passed by more quickly as he thought about his personal dilemma. There was only a minute left. He got both Niall and Zayn’s attention, grabbing their hands while he watched for the minute had to strike against the twelve. The anticipation was high. He was shaking so much, some was from excitement, some was nerves. Tick, tick, tick the clock would sound. Everything in the last moments was pure silence besides the clock’s constant tick. Harry tuned out everything til the bell sounded. It was only seconds from the twelve. Harry internally counted down, 5..4..3..2..1.. the bell sounded and everyone ran out of the building. Harry, Zayn, and Niall all held each other tight as they ran away from the school. Rushing past trees, people, parks. everything was just a mass blur to them. They kept running until they couldn’t anymore. Zayn seen a bench conveniently placed near the street and suggested that they all sit and take a long and well deserved rest.   
  
“We’re free..We’re finally free.” Harry panted. He wiped the sweat from his forehead. Well satisfied from their successful and final escape. “That’s right Harry. What should we do now?” Niall asked. “You” Zayn chuckled. Harry’s face began to grimace, “Guys, you’re not helping me with figuring out my sexuality by talking like that to each other in front of me.”   
  
Zayn and Niall patted Harry on the head and let out several apologies. Harry lent into their touch and smiled at them both. He let them both know that it was fine. All three boys layed their heads back and closed their eyes, letting the sun soak into their skin. “Can we never grow old? Just stay in this one spot forever?” Harry whispered to his friends. Let’s face it. He was scared to make that next step in his life. Yes, he was eager to get out of the horrid middle school life, but high school. those two words made him cringe. The stories he heard about it, how awful people could be. Thinking about people being two times worse to him than the years prior, it made him want to cry. The other thing was, he didn’t want to grow up, not just yet. If he could, he would stay young forever. Staying safe from the real world was a dream of his.   
  
“I’m afraid not mate. We have to grow up sometime.” Harry hummed as his response. He didn’t want to think about it for the time being. He only wanted to think about his time off from school and meeting up with Louis in the coming days.   
  
They were only able to soak in the sun and the shade for a while longer before they all had to go their separate ways. They picked up their bags next to the bench and placed them lazily on their shoulders. They got up from the bench and stretched away the tiredness. They walked down the sidewalk until it came to a three way split. This would be the last time Harry and Zayn would see Niall because he was heading back to his hometown in Irleand. He claimed that he was coming back, but he wasn’t so sure himself. They each gave one another long hugs before going their separate ways. Harry sure was going to miss his Niall.   
  
It was Mid-June when Harry decided to text Louis. Each time he’d try, he’d get scared and find an excuse why he ‘couldn’t’ text him. He felt pathetic for being that way, but once he was finally able to press that send button, it felt as though a giant weight was lifted from his shoulders.   
  
Harry: hey  
  
Harry: it’s harry in case you forgot   
  
Louis: forgot? I could never forget you ;)   
  
Harry: good, we would’ve had some problems if you did  
  
Louis: ohh I’m soo scared of little harry   
  
Harry: heyyy…  
  
Louis: i’m only joking with ya mate. where did all this confidence come from anyways? i remember you were very shy the last time we met.  
  
Harry: change of confidence? who knows..  
  
Louis didn’t really know what to say to that. He could spend his whole time thinking about something to reply to Harry with, but that would take too long. He was waiting for Harry to ask to hang out, but that plan was a bust. Louis had one of his devious plans in mind. He quickly typed away on the keyboard and hit send before he could change his mind.   
  
Louis: oh I see.. hey harry? we should hangout sometime soon. like..tomorrow?   
  
Harry opened the message as soon as he seen his screen light up. He scanned the contents and felt a goofy grin splay across his face. Louis had just asked to hang out. He did, he did. Harry didn’t have to force it upon him like he had with other people. He answered so quick he worried that he sounded too desperate.   
  
Harry: yea..yea i’d like that  
  
Louis: neverland park tomorrow? bring a friend, and i’ll bring one. it’s gonna be fun I swear :)  
  
Harry read the message over and over. a friend? Well, he could bring Zayn, but he knew how protective Zayn was over Harry. What if he started interrogating Louis on the spot? There’d only be one way to find out. He was going to give it a try.   
  
Harry: okay, will do  
  
Louis: cool, see you tomorrow at 2 .x  
  
Louis smacked himself on the forehead with the palm of his hand. cool? .x? Where was that all coming from? To him, he was sounded like a dork and probably creeped Harry out by the kiss mark he left on the end of the text. He sent a final text for that day. It read ‘have a good day. can’t wait for tomorrow.’ Harry answered back almost too quickly for the second time that day. They both felt relieved, excited, a rush of happiness. It was weird to Harry. From being a loser to talking to someone like Louis in a matter of months. It made him appreciate life that much more and he felt less ashamed about his still undecided sexuality. Now he and Louis were nowhere near the level of dating, but just the thought made his heart flutter more. The next day was going to be filled with new experiences. Harry had a good feeling it would. 


End file.
